Eastfield College -- 50 Ways to Fail

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50 Ways to Fail

Get the most for your money while doing the least amount of work

Waste time

1. Do not, under any circumstances, get a calendar and plot out your class and work schedules, study time, assignment deadlines, and tests. Don’t create a to-do list or a daily plan.

2. If your class is in a computer lab, search the Internet, check your email, or work on assignments for other classes or clubs.

3. When the teacher is finished lecturing, ask if you missed anything.

4. Have someone else tell you what to do or, better yet, get another student to do it for you.

5. Make sure to bring a snack to class. Open your soda as the teacher is lecturing.

6. Doodle in the margins of books and notes.

7. Don’t bother to bathe in the morning.

8. Read the paper and laugh out loud at the comics.

9. If you’re not a morning person, make sure to sign up for 8 a.m. classes. Don’t show up at all or show up long enough to get comfortable and go back to sleep. If you’re taking a night class and work during the day, make sure that there’s no possible way you can make it from work to class in time.

10. Wait until the last minute to start any assignment. The teacher will never know you did the paper at 2 a.m. the morning the paper’s due.

11. Question everything the teacher says all the time so as to waste the time of the teacher and other students. See if you can get the teacher off on a completely different subject so the teacher will run out of time. That means less material to study for the test.

12. Question how relevant the material is: it’s outdated or it doesn’t apply to this generation or it doesn’t apply to the students’ careers.

13. If you actually decide to study, make sure you and your friends get together to watch the game or favorite show while studying. This is known as multi-tasking. Don’t worry if you only look over the class material for five minutes. How hard can the class really be? You can take your notes with you and read them at stoplights on the way to the party. That should be more than enough study time.

14. Spend class time scanning the room to see which hottie you can sit next to, especially on the first day. First days come and go, but that cutie sitting next to you may be there all semester.

15. Wait until the night before a test to study. Stay up all night with lots of caffeine. Read everything in the book, worry about the notes you didn’t take, and call your friends to complain about how unfair the teacher is expecting you to know all this material—it’s not like it’s your major.

16. Study only as much as you have to, to pass the test. Why spend more time than is really necessary. There are better activities to do with your time than improve your education and chances in a career.

Waste money

17. Show up late to class. Be arrogant about it. Demand that the teacher repeat the first 15 minutes of information just for you.

18. Leave your cell phone on and carry on loud conversations in class. What you have to say is important, and everyone should hear. Make sure the phone has the most annoying ring possible. You have people you need to talk to and who need to be able to get in touch with you. You paid for it.

19. If you don’t have a cell phone, bring another book to read or a hand-held video game. You’ll have plenty of time.

20. Don’t bother reading the textbook. The material is hard to read, and the teacher doesn’t use it for tests. Why bother spending that kind of cash on books when you can use it for something more beneficial, like music.

21. Don’t kill trees by wasting paper taking notes.

22. Keep your book in pristine condition. Don’t mark in it or highlight pertinent information. This increases the buy-back value of the book.

23. Highlight everything! If it’s in the book, it must be important.

24. Don’t bother re-writing your papers. Again, this process kills lots of trees and doesn’t actually help improve your writing skills.

25. Put all your notes in the same notebook. You don’t have the money for extra folders, and you don’t have time to separate out your notes. You’ll find what you need when you need it by rifling through all those loose papers.

26. Don’t go to every class. Make sure to have a buddy for classes where the teacher passes around a sign in sheet. Cover for each other. You go to class on Tuesday and sign for you and your buddy; he’ll do the same for you on Thursday. This shows you can work together, and you can both get more sleep. Besides, your teacher doesn’t take the time to actually check those sign in sheets. He/She won’t notice the handwriting.

27. Copy your papers and assignments from a fellow classmate or the Internet. What do you care? It’s not like it’s for your major. Besides, the teacher has so many papers to read and assignments to check, he/she won’t spot two identical papers/ assignments. This will save you time to do other things, like sleep.

28. Make sure you’re plagiarizing an “A” paper, preferably from someone who has already passed this class. No reason to put so much time into copying if you’re just getting a “C.”

Waste resources

29. Don’t get to know the other students in your class. Don’t get their phone numbers or set up a study group. The other students don’t know anything; that’s why they are in the class. You can do this all by yourself.

30. Whenever a friend calls, go party. Don’t worry about assignments or tests.

31. Play video games all night long. The class will still be there in the morning.

32. Show up late for the test. Don’t bring paper or pen. Don’t even bother reviewing any notes you may have taken for class.

33. Don’t get help outside of class or visit websites mentioned in class. There are a lot of resources available, but they really don’t help you with research or learn how to improve your skills. Those are for the dumb students. You have a reputation to protect, so don’t be seen in there.

Other Suggestions

34. Deliberately yawn while looking the teacher in the eyes. Let the teacher know this is a commentary on the class, information, and teaching style.

35. Don’t take your books or notebook or paper or pencils with you to class. Why bother with all those notes? You won’t remember anyway. It’s not like it’s going to be on the test.

36. Plan on passing the class without attending any class, taking any notes, or taking any tests. You deserve an A just for paying for the class.

37. Talk when the teacher talks. The teacher can talk louder than you.

38. Frequently interrupt the teacher and ask, “Is this on the test?” There’s no reason to take notes or pay attention if it’s not on the test.

39. Challenge your teacher’s knowledge of the subject. The college requires the teacher to have a master’s degree in the field in which they are teaching, but that doesn’t the mean the teacher actually knows anything about that class.

40. Sit in the back of the class. This will improve your ability to sleep. Besides, you don’t want to be up front where you can see and hear the teacher or increase the chances of you being called on.

41. Bring crewing tobacco and/or sunflower seeds to class, and use a can to spit them in, preferably a used soda can. Afterwards, make sure to leave it in the classroom.

42. Wear whatever you want to class. Feel free to express yourself in whatever manner you choose. You’re not in high school anymore.

43. If it’s a Scantron test, see what interesting pictures you can make with the bubbled in answers or just put down B for all the answers.

44. When you don’t pass the class or receive a poor grade for an assignment, blame the teacher. He/She should be a better teacher.

45. When telling your teacher excuses for why you’re missing classes, use the most outrageous excuses: multiple deaths in the family, bizarre car problems (caught fire), stuck in traffic for four hours, and health issues (meningitis). The teacher will blindly accept these plausible explanations.

46. When you run out of those excuses, or if you don’t care, tell the truth as to why you’re missing classes: hangover, went out of town for a party, slept in, didn’t think anything important would be covered, didn’t have any clean clothes. The teacher will appreciate your honesty.

47. Join a club on campus and devote all your time to it—even if that means missing or sleeping through your classes and forgetting your assignments. Club involvement looks great on a resume. Who cares about your grades? You can always retake a class; it doesn’t hurt your GPA. This club project has to be done now.

48. Don’t waste energy using professional, academic language. Use inappropriate language (curse words, slang) in the classroom and in assignments. The teacher should know this is the language used in the “real” world. Therefore, you should not hesitate to use it every chance you get.

49. Bribe, intimidate, sleep with, or blackmail your teachers. They’ll appreciate your resourcefulness and incentive.

50. Flaunt your bad attitude about the course. Ask your teacher, “Why do I need math? I’m never going to use this. I’m gonna be a social worker/ nurse/ teacher/ musician/ architect.” Make sure the teacher is aware that you think this course is a waste of time, energy and money.